Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

The Day My Whole Life Changed….

on September 8, 2013

June 22, 2013… A day that will forever be etched in my heart and mind. The day that forever changed my life. A day that my heart was shattered into a million pieces.

It started out like any normal Saturday. We were planning on going to a birthday party. It was Carlee’s 1st birthday celebration.

Chandler spent the night with my Mom the night before. As a matter of fact, he often stayed with her a lot when he was out of school and it was summer. So, he had been there for a while. He always called me first thing in the morning. An early riser, and full of conversation at 7:00 am!!!! This Mama is not a morning person, but I always talked to him. We talked for a long time that morning. He was planning on meeting me, Greg, and the girls at Carlee’s party that day. He also talked about several other things and then he got quiet. And, he said, “Momma, I am gonna come home today after the party. I am tired and just need a break. Tell the girls not to make any plans. I just want to lay on the couch and watch movies with you all.” My heart was happy. I had been missing him so much. Even though we talked all the time, I missed his face. So, we got off the phone and I started preparing for the day.

As always, I am a late planner and am hardly ever organized when it comes to parties… Last minute every time. So, we stopped by Target on the way to the party to get a present. I got a call from Chandler and he asked if I could come and get him. He was planning to come with his girlfriend and she didn’t want to come now. He was a little irritated but it wasn’t bad at all. I told him that I could come and get him but we would miss the party by the time we got back. Which was fine… but, he seemed to be calming down and said that his girlfriend had changed her mind and that they were on their way. Thank God, I told him I loved him before we hung up.

We get to Carlee’s party…. we go in…. and less than 10 minutes later Greg receives a call from my Mom that something had happened to Chandler and she didn’t know what but that we needed to head to UT Hospital. She said that her and my Dad were on their way as well.

Greg and I jump in the car and head towards the hospital. No one would tell us anything. No one seemed to know what was going on or what had actually happened. When, we finally get to the hospital, they take us to that horrible room that is away from everyone else. I’m sure everyone knows that nothing good comes from being isolated in the ER in a separate room.

From there, I start to forget somewhat what was going on around me. While sitting there waiting for someone, anyone to come and tell us what was going on, I begin to hear the Lord whisper over my soul…. “Brandi, what the enemy meant for evil, I mean for good. I am here right now. With you, with Greg, and especially with Chandler. Fall into me. I will hold you up. You will need me now.”

I knew then, that something horrible had happened. And, I kept thinking it’s ok. Whatever it takes to get him better, we will do it. I silently prayed, pleaded with God asking him to protect my son. Whatever it was… heal it.

Then, the physicians, hospital chaplain, nursing supervisor, detectives, and the chaplain for the police department came in the isolated room. My heart fell. I knew. I knew right then it wasn’t going to be ok. Three months later, I still do not know what they said to me. All I know, is that my son had shot himself in the head and the damage was too extensive. They had tried everything they knew to do but he would not survive. They would be moving him to the Neuro Trauma ICU and that we could see him very shortly.

I sat there in absolute shock. What? How in the world could this be real? I just talked to him. Everything was ok. He was absolutely healthy and fine. I couldn’t stand up. The hospital chaplain caught me and guided me down to the chair. I have no idea where anyone else was. It was as if I was all alone in that room. Everyone talked, I didn’t hear them. I found myself begging the detective to tell me what happened. Could he speak? No one knew. No one knew anything whatsoever on what had happened.

Shortly, the detective was able to tell us that he believed that Chandler had shot himself on accident. You, have to know that we have never owned guns. Chandler did not know anything about guns. At least from a responsible gun owner. We had no idea he had a gun. But, he had discharged all of the bullets and put them in his pocket. What he didn’t know is there was one left in the chamber. It was a very old gun and he also didn’t know that it would revolve around again when it was cocked back and it rolled that one bullet straight into the chamber. The detective had talked with his girlfriend who was there on the scene at the time of the accident, he had put piece by piece together. They were arguing and he thought Chandler was trying to scare her or prove a point to her. And, he shot himself. He had know idea the eternal consequences of such an action.

So many people think that Chandler committed suicide on purpose. Believe me, I would tell you if that was the case. And, I can see how people could come to that conclusion because we haven’t spoken out. Only to our closest friends and family. It’s just been too painful.

Again, even during all of this…. The Lord was there with me. I have told many people over the past few months that I have never in my entire life felt the presence of the Lord as I did that day. Not only did he stay with my Chandler, he stayed with me. He never moved.

The reason why I am starting this blog is because I want to get this out. I am ready to talk about my story. Chandler’s story. I want people to know him and remember him. I also want to share my journey with the Lord through this.

In no way, am I a professional at grief. I struggle and my heart is broken. I don’t understand. I miss him horribly. Part of my heart is completely gone.

I hope you will join me on my journey. Each day, I plan to tell a little more of our story and how God has ministered to me during this time.

Join me….. In Christ, Brandi

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5 responses to “The Day My Whole Life Changed….

  1. Lorie says:

    I have never witnessed Gods presence like I did on that day and the days that followed. I love you sweet friend.

  2. I am so proud of you Brandi. My heart breaks for you and your family, but I do believe this is a good thing to tell about Chandler. A wonderful way to let us know what a fine young man you raised. I love you my friend.

  3. Kisha says:

    You simply amaze me !!!

  4. Lisa Hatfield says:

    As a woman who has survived through my husband’s intentional suicide, I can say that the more you get it out, the more you will heal. Of course my situation was so completely different than yours andI certainly don’t want to make it sound like I know exactly where you are, but I grieve and pray for you, Greg and the girls. You are an amazing writer and I am just in awe of your ability to write in such a way, that I am crying after each blog. I love you Brandi.

  5. Maria Bolinger says:

    Your words are outstanding! You amaze me each and every day! Continued prayers and love to uou and your family!

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Brandi Trent

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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