Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

God, Please Fix This… Heal My Son…

on September 9, 2013

***I want to warn you that I am going to talk about seeing Chandler for the first time in the hospital. I will not be graphic but I do want to warn you that it is very hard to hear. It is very hard for me to type these words. Just wanted you to be aware that today will be a very deep, personal day.***

We walked in the big double doors and down a short hallway. We turn to the right and we see a nurse standing at the doorway. She looked at us straight in the eye. And, I saw the pain on her face. The pity and sorrow that she felt for Greg and I. I was once again, overcome with fear. I heard the awful, loud sound of the ventilator. And, I heard all kinds of alarms and beeping noises coming from Chandler’s room.

Before we could even get to the doorway, she came to us. She hugged me. And, she said, “I am so sorry.”

We walked in the room and I could not breathe. Nothing can ever prepare a Mother to see her child laying in a hospital bed with a ventilator breathing for him. There were tubes and IV’s everywhere. And, there he lay. He looked peaceful, like he was taking a nap.

We ran to him. I grabbed his hand and I fully expected him to squeeze my hand back. To open his eyes and know that I was there. He did nothing. 

I cried out to God right then and begged Him not to take Chandler. To fix him. He was a God that had raised the dead and this was nothing for Him to do. He could fix this and Chandler would be healed. It would be a miracle. I begged Him to show up. To show out. He did not choose to heal Chandler in this world. He did heal him. But, He chose to heal him eternally. He chose to take him home.

During this time, I truly learned the true meaning of lamenting. I had never even gave laments a second thought in all of my Christian life. I didn’t even really know what it was. And, I didn’t even know that I was lamenting to God right there in that room until much later down the road. He has taught me how to lament. And, I will just tell you…. Lamenting is very powerful.

The definition of lament is to mourn aloud. To express sorrow, mourning or regret. To regret strongly.

I began to cry out to God. I begged, pleaded, complained to Him. Notice that I said TO Him not about Him. As Christians, we think that God doesn’t want to hear our complaints. He wants us to trust Him and just live with whatever happens to us. Not true. I heard Rick Warren, Pastor of Saddleback Church who just lost his son in April, say that God loves it when we complain to Him. Because when we complain and cry out to Him, we are still communicating with Him. We are not turning around and walking away from Him. That is powerful. He hears us. He grieves with us. No matter what the situation is. His answer to our pleading may not be what we want it to be but He is still very much there with us.

As, I sat there with Chandler, I lamented to God.

Then, I got up, asked the nurse for a warm wash cloth and I began to clean him up. They did an excellent job there at the hospital caring for Chandler. But, as his Mom, I had to get the spots that they missed. You could barely even see the spots. But, I could. I studied everything on him. He was perfect. The only thing wrong with him was there was a type of Ace bandage wrapped around the wound on his head and his right eye was badly bruised and swollen. And, it seemed like tears were coming out of his eyes. I don’t know if that is what it was. But, I gently wiped them out.

We sat there in complete shock. We had no rules so people were coming in and out. Before we knew it, there were so many people there. Waiting, sitting, and praying for Greg, myself, and the girls.

Finally, the doctor came in to see us. It was about 5:00 pm. He explained that the reason why we were seeing Chandler’s blood pressure drop was because he had passed away on his own. He felt like Chandler went to be with the Lord around 4:00 pm. He was so kind to us, explaining everything that he could. He then said, “I do not normally do this but I feel like God is calling me to pray with you. Would you be offended?” Wow….. we later realized that there was not one person who put their hands on Chandler that was not a Christian. Tell me how often that happens in the world we live in today? God was there. In our midst. And, He was guiding every hand that took care of our precious boy.

I am so thankful for every, single person that came to us that day. The physicians, nurses, chaplains, friends, family, Chandler’s friends, Security guards, Detectives. I can never thank them enough.

But, I am truly most thankful that the God of the Universe came to us that day. He listened to our cries, our pleading. He is absolutely amazing…. I know that as the nurse lowered the rails on Chandler’s bed and I crawled into the bed with him that evening when no one else was in the room but Chandler and me, He was there with us. He gave me the strength to whisper all the things that I wanted Chandler to know in his ear. How much I loved him, How proud I was of him. How sorry I was that I wasn’t there with him.

He was also there when I told Chandler that it was ok to go home. He was free to go now. God had to be there for a Mother to tell her child that it is ok to go home and be with his Heavenly Father.

I Praise You Father…. Praise You.

I hope you will join me again tomorrow….

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4 responses to “God, Please Fix This… Heal My Son…

  1. Maria Bolinger says:

    You are an amzing Godly woman and I am thankful to have you in mine and my families life! You have opened my eyes to what I want to be and what I want to be for my children, a strong Christian woman!

  2. Dear Brandi, I knew you when you were a little girl with blonde bouncy curls. Who knew you would be the strong woman you are today. You have your Mom and Dad to thank for that too along with our Heavenly Father. I have one child a son. Reading this I can not even comprehend the pain and sorrow of that day. I’m thankful that you can talk about it, because it will help you heal. Not ever forget but as years go by God will heal your spirit. You should write a book for others who have lost a child and do not have God to lean on. Or those that do. My heart breaks for you and your family. Your Mom and Dad and I were great friends and though we don’t see each other now we have made the connection on FB. Praying for strength and peace for you and your extended family. God Bless You.

  3. Wow, we found your blog today. First of all, may God continue to bless, guide, and comfort you on this most difficult journey after the death of your son, Chandler. We are heartbroken reading your story.

    This post spoke to us so deeply. Our ten year-old son Isaac died on April 18, 2011. His death was accidental but could have been intepreted as intentional. We also felt the enemy invade our thoughts and feelings through guilt and oppression. Yet, God was with us through it all and even in the emergency room. Similar to your experience, the staff at the hospital formed a circle around and prayed over us as we held our son’s body. We were truly amazed and also believe that this is a rare occurrence. We were greatly encouraged to hear that God blessed you in a similar manner.

    Blessings to you and your family.

    • branditrent3 says:

      Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I am truly sorrow for your loss. I have often wondered what a person would do in this situation without having the Lord. I know for myself that I would not be able to stand. It is always a blessing to meet others who are traveling the road that we are. It’s a road that I wouldn’t wish anyone to walk. Thank you for your words and encouragement and I will be praying for your family. The road seems never ending at times.

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Brandi Trent

my journey to finding god in the midst of grief

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Dose Dependent Ministries

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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