Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

Please God…. Wake Me Up From This Nightmare

on September 9, 2013

Moments after being told that Chandler’s wound was fatal, time completely stopped for me. Honestly, I do not remember a lot from the week that this happened. I am just now starting to remember exactly what was happening during that time.

The most vivid memory that I have right now is the walk from the ER to the Neuro Trauma ICU so we could see our son. That walk seemed to go on forever. I felt like my knees were going to buckle at any moment and that I would land on the floor. I can remember how scared I was. The fear seemed to escalate with every step that I took. I didn’t know what I would do when I got to the room that Chandler was in. I had no idea what I would see and how I would handle what I saw. I wanted everything to just stop. I did NOT want to walk through those big doors. I knew that when I actually walked in and saw Chandler laying there that the nightmare would be real.

But, as I walked down the hall, I started hearing in my mind words to a song that I have always loved. Right there, in the hall. Even after all I had just been told, the emotions behind it, the shock, the fear…. There was God, plain as day, whispering comfort over my soul. See below the words that washed over my soul. The song is “Not For a Moment”:

 

After all, You are constant

After all, You are only good

After all, You are Sovereign

Not for a moment will You forsake me

And every step, every breath You are there

Every tear, every cry, every prayer

In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down

Not for a moment will You forsake me

I look back and I wonder how in the world did I think of those words. Right then, right there. I was in complete and total shock. My heart was broken. My mind was shattered, but I heard and felt those words pour over my soul.

I have realized now that God placed those words straight into my heart. I think I must have said “He has never forsaken me” a million times that day and the following week.

See, that’s the thing with God. He still continues to come to us and teach us no matter the circumstances. He comes to comfort us with His promises. I have never in all my life been in a place of such devastation that I had to make choices so quickly. He started preparing me the minute I ran into the ER that day.

1) He let me know up front that He was there. And, not only for me. He was there with my family, my friends but most importantly, He assured me that he was with our boy the entire time. He knew that I would not be there that day when Chandler needed me the most. So, He stood in for me and He was there every second with him. I am so thankful that I serve an Omnipresent God. The definition of Omnipresent is “present in all places at all times.” This was a time when all of us needed him individually.

2) He also poured over me that I had to trust what I knew to be true. I had to pull out truth from the inside. That was a very hard job considering the situation that I was in. But, here is what I pulled out in that moment:

  • God is Sovereign. Sovereign means that He is control of all that He created. He rules over everything. I needed him on my side knowing this truth.
  • God is faithful. He is steadfast in affection and allegiance to me.
  • He has never forsaken me. Forsaken means to renounce or turn away from me.

Right there in that moment walking down the hall to get to Chandler, I knew God was there. I knew He was with Chandler and my entire family. So, I took a deep breath and I walked through the doors of the ICU and headed to where my sweet boy was.

I had made my choice. I chose God. Although, I did not understand this situation. I had no idea why this had happened to Chandler. I chose to trust God. I chose His Will.

Please join me tomorrow as I talk about walking into Chandler’s room.

Standing on His Promises, Brandi

 

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One response to “Please God…. Wake Me Up From This Nightmare

  1. You amazes me with your faith. I love you my dear sister in Christ

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Brandi Trent

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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