Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

Stop Looking Left To Right…. Fix Your Focus Upon Me…

on September 13, 2013

I have started thinking a lot about what message I want to be portrayed in my blogs. One thing I know for sure is this…. I do NOT want you to think that I have lost my child and I am just absolutely fine because I have Jesus, That is not how it is….

I struggle most days… well, at this point every day. Some days are worse than others. Yesterday, was one of those days. I tend to do most of my “falling apart” in the evenings. That’s when I have time to just sit down and let the feelings come. I start thinking of all that has happened and how I feel about it. It honestly drives me to think that I am going insane.

I have recently been chasing down anyone and everyone that I think can give me the answers that I need so that I will know exactly what happened. Was there something I didn’t know about? Was Chandler suffering from a deep depression that I didn’t see? What did he talk about with his friends? How can I get these answers that I need? I feel like I can’t move one step forward until I know everything.

I imagine that Job felt the same way as I do right now. He lamented to the Lord and begged to know why every single thing he had was taken from him in an instant. He probably thought most of the things that I have thought. Asking the same questions that I am asking. I also know that Job never really got an answer. He didn’t know that there was a huge spiritual battle going on all around him. He never knew why this had happened to him this side of heaven. And, that, ,my friends is a hard pill to swallow. I feel like I need all these answers and that if I just had them that I would be ok. I tell God this all the time. I ask Him to send me this huge revelation that gives me all the answers that I so desperately seek. He hasn’t. I don’t know that He ever will.

I love the verses in 2 Corinthians 1:3-11. Verses 8 and 9 speak very well to how I feel:

“We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we have suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death…”

No, I am not in the province of Asia, but I am in the darkest, deepest pit I have ever been in my entire life. The pressure is unbelievable here in this pit. It is far beyond my ability to endure. I have despaired of life and at times I have felt like I am going to lay down and die from a broken heart. I feel like I have been given a death sentence since I lost my son. But, I have to choose to keep reading…. Keep looking… The rest of the verse then says:

“But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.”

I had a rough day yesterday. I felt like I had been given the sentence of death. But, the Lord poured fresh words over my soul. I feel that way because I am relying on myself. Don’t misunderstand what I am saying. God does not expect me to walk around like everything is just fine. He is the author of everything! He is the author of grief. Grief has it’s purpose in my life right now.

But, I have to look at the rest of the story…. He wants us to rely on Him, not ourselves. He is a God that raises the dead. So, he can handle my grief. He just has to continue to remind me (non stop I might add) to rely on Him, not myself. When I rely on Him and look UP, not to the left, not to the right…. HE WILL DELIVER ME! And, notice the importance that Paul places on others praying for those of us who are going through these struggles. The Word tells us that “the prayers of the righteous availeth much.” I could NOT stand without the prayers that have been lifted for me, Greg and my family. We could not move without you interceding for us. Sometimes, we don’t even have the strength to pray. We need the prayers of others to intercede on our behalf.

Last night I went to bed crying…. I was heartbroken and needed answers. I woke up with God speaking over my soul. He wants me to stop looking from side to side. He wants me to stop chasing after things that I have no control over. He wants me to look up. To Him.

In life, we may be just like Job. We may never know the answers to the painful things that happen to us or to those we love. Am I ok with that? No, not really. But, I have to trust that God knows best. Maybe, He knows that we can’t handle the truth. Maybe, there is a huge spiritual battle going on around us. If that is the case, I want to do good on God’s team. We do not know why or what is going on when bad things happen to us. But, we need to look up. Fix our eyes on Jesus. The one that can deliver us.

I think it is very important for you to know that I’m not ok. I miss Chandler and would give any and everything to have him right here with me. I don’t want to be in a spiritual battle. But, I am. So, I will look up. Focus on Him. And, even though I am a Jesus girl…. I have to be reminded to look up many, many times a day. But, I do want to be the Jesus Girl who learns to keep my focus on Him. To be the kinda girl that doesn’t have to be reminded over and over again to look up.

Thank you for letting me spill my heart today…. And, most importantly… I don’t know what you are going through or facing today, but look up and lean in. If you do that, we will make it through today! And, that’s what we do. Make it through each day one at a time.

Much love, Brandi

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One response to “Stop Looking Left To Right…. Fix Your Focus Upon Me…

  1. Chris Hayes says:

    I was worried when you didn’t post yesterday. I was afraid you were having a worse than normal day. Today is a new day and I pray you will keep sharing. I know it is helping a lot of people dealing with grief and loss. I KNOW its helping me. Love you.

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Brandi Trent

my journey to finding god in the midst of grief

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Dose Dependent Ministries

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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