Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

Lean In… Look Up… Let Go

on September 15, 2013

Have I told you how much I do not like Saturday? Every, single Saturday since Chandler passed away, I go through the day as if it was June 22nd. I look at the clock, watch the times. I think he was ok at this time. I got the phone call at this time. I arrived at the hospital at this time. He passed away at this time. I replay June 22nd every single Saturday. This weekend I have not been out of my house. I have struggled and cried. I have spent a lot of time with God.

I am going to tell you a secret that Chandler would probably not like for me to share. We loved to watch the Lifetime Movie Network together. He didn’t want anyone to know but he loved it. The scandal, mystery. He especially liked the movies that were murder mysteries. I sat yesterday and watched Lifetime Movie Network Mystery movies all day. I held his hoodie and a special t-shirt that I have. They both smell just like him. The girls don’t share our love of the Lifetime Movie Network.

I couldn’t really focus on the movies because I was watching the clock. I prayed a lot. Asking God to show me anything that could help me. In the afternoon, I cried myself to sleep. The very second I woke up, I heard the Lord speaking words over me. Now, please know, I have never heard God audibly speak to me. He speaks to me through my soul. He said the following sentence: “Lean In, Look Up, and Let Go.”

Ok… I get the first two. I have already discussed them on this blog but had no idea that the Lord wanted to put the two together and add a third one at that. I have literally practiced leaning into Him. I had to on June 22nd. I did not have to strive or work hard at it. I just leaned in and He was there to catch me.

The definition of lean is: to rest against or on something for support. To depend or rely on.

I can do that. Now, granted, I have to remind myself a million times a day when the going gets tough to lean in. Stop striving. To stop trying to carry this loss on my own. It’s hard to do when you are in so much turmoil. Grief has so many different emotions and for some reason you feel like you have to carry them all by yourself. But, I feel like I get it when God tells me not to push it, not to strive, to just lean in. I’m good with this.

Secondly, I know I just blogged about looking up instead of to the left and the right. To look up and focus on God, Himself. He has the answers that I need. I have been learning this lesson this week as I have let my emotions completely take over and try to become a detective for the police department. I wanted answers. I wanted truth. I wanted to talk to any and everyone. I spoke to one of Chandler’s friends the other night and actually asked him a ton of questions and as ashamed as I am to admit this…. I was WRITING DOWN what he was telling me. So, I wouldn’t forget one word. That, my friends, is overkill. Did I find answers? No. He gave me peace about how Chandler was doing the last year. He talked about how much he had grown and where he felt like he was. It was a good, peaceful conversation but not worthy of me taking notes! So, the Lord made it plain and simple to me after that conversation that I have to look up to Him for the answers that I need. Honestly, I don’t really like that answer because I don’t feel like He is rushing to give me answers that I feel that I need this very minute. But, He still says…. “Brandi, STOP! You are causing yourself more pain than is necessary. I am the FATHER of ALL answers. STOP looking left to right. Look Up to Me.” I prayed this through with Him and I understand what he means. I understand that He is the Alpha and Omega. The Beginning and the End. He knows all things. I think I can do the Leaning in and the Looking Up.

But, I can tell you right now. We have had serious conversations about Letting Go. I could not believe that He would even ask me to do such a thing. I didn’t get it. I thought about it the rest of the day yesterday and I said to God. “No WAY…. You cannot ask me to let the death of my child go. Why would you even ask me to do that?”

Please know, each blog that I write starts with one topic that God stirs around in my soul. I pray, seek His Word and then He places this burning fire in my heart and I just start typing. What I write comes from things that God is teaching me. I also write from this burning place in my heart that I know that God places there. I haven’t blogged for the last two days because I haven’t had that burning fire to write anything. I have been arguing with God about Letting Go.

I have made a wonderful friend since Chandler passed away. We became friends on Facebook and she lost her son tragically as well two years ago. I feel like the second we started chatting on Facebook that God has placed this special person before me. She has walked the road before me and she absolutely loves the Lord. We have been chatting today on Facebook. I was ranting and telling her about the things that God had lain on my heart. I asked her how in the world was I supposed to let go of losing Chandler. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

And, I was also in there telling Greg that I would not do that. And, I would NOT be writing on this blog telling people just to let their deepest hurts and pain go. Just let them go and everything would be ok. I was not going to tell others that because I was not going to do that. It disturbed me. Bothered me. I felt like I was heading right into rebellion and disobedience.

But, I must tell you that before this even started, I have been experiencing something that I knew was going to be very beneficial to me but I just didn’t know when. I am the queen of watching old TV shows on the Inspiration Channel. My favorite is Matlock… I know, I know…. He is just so smart and he finds the truth every time! So, I fall asleep every night watching that show. One morning when I got up, I flipped the TV on and Life Today was on and Beth Moore was the speaker. She was talking about Jacob wrestling with God. It was very interesting and I kept watching it. The next thing I knew, devotionals, books, anything I picked up had this story in it. Then, I was listening to Rick Warren speak in a series he is teaching on right now about grief. You will never guess what story he used in his sermon… You got it! Jacob wrestling with the devil. Honestly, I haven’t thought about this in a week or so.

Well, this afternoon, I was still thinking about God’s request of me to Let Go. And, out of nowhere…. I remembered. Jacob wrestling with the devil. The story is found in Genesis 32:22-32. And, I suddenly remembered the verse that stuck out to me was the following: “I will not let you go unless you declare a blessing upon me.” ~Amplified Bible

Wow…. there was that term “let go”! So, my mind just started turning and turning and I couldn’t hold it in. I needed to talk to one of my Jesus girl friends quick! So, I ran to get my phone and I saw that my friend had texted me back from my message earlier in the day. Here is what she said to me:

I read your blog and I enjoy it. You are so very wise to let God carry you. There is going to be a grieving Mother who comes across this and reads it. She is going to wonder how you are not angry. (This is me brainstorming.) She is going to reach out to you and you will probably lead her and others to Christ. What a wonderful legacy for Chandler’s life. Keep leaning in, looking up, and HE will help you let go. Hold Chandler so close, hold your girls close, hold Greg close, but hold God so close that you can never let go of His peace and comfort. That just reminded me when Jacob wrestled with God and he said, “I am not going to let you go until you bless me.” Praise the Lord.”

WOW! Did you get chills like I did? Cheri absolutely confirmed that for me before I even reached out to her! So…. here are my thoughts. God wasn’t asking me to let go of Chandler. He was asking me to NOT let go of Him until I get my blessing. I totally listened to what I wanted to. I let God start to speak to my soul and then I shut it down. I didn’t even let Him finish. I just heard “Let Go” and felt like God wanted me to just let go of Chandler and move right along. NO!

I urge you to read the story in Genesis about Jacob wrestling with God. Jacob literally wrestled with God. But, it is important that we see that this wasn’t just a physical altercation. This was a spiritual altercation. Hosea 12:4 tells us that Jacob wept and prayed while wrestling. Jacob was overcoming the man and the man touched his hip and made his hip come out of joint. That had to be painful. How did Jacob continue to wrestle with such pain? I think he probably didn’t even feel the pain because he was so determined not to let go without God blessing him. That, according to Matthew Henry’s Commentary is “a divine intervention – it wounded and healed at the same time. Wrestling believers get glorious victories but they can walk away with broken bones.”

I don’t think that Jacob would have given up if all his bones were broken. He was focused and intended on getting that blessing.

See the definition below for bless and blessing:

Bless – to consecrate or sanctify by a religious rite; make or pronounce holy; to request of God the bestowal of divine favor on

Blessing – A favor or gift bestowed by God, thereby bringing happiness; the invoking of God’s favor upon a person

That’s it! I have been wrestling with God since June 22nd trying to understand. Trying to make sense of what has happened to my family. But, I am tired. I am weary. I am heartbroken. I feel like my world is over. But, God wants me to lean into Him, Look Up to Him, and most importantly….. TO NOT LET GO OF HIM UNTIL I RECEIVE A BLESSING!!!!!

It gives a whole new meaning to this. All along, I have kept crying out…. “What the enemy means for evil, God means for Good.” I have cried out to God that I cannot stand if absolutely nothing good comes from this.

I have already started seeing good things. Sometimes, it’s hard to see those as good things when you are going through something like this. You don’t want to see anything. But like my friend, Cheri said…. If someone could see this blog and be blessed and have a revelation…. To God Be The Glory! God is the author here. He has a message for each and every one of you that are reading this.

I am wrestling with God right now. I am holding on. My hip issue is the loss of my son. I know that I will walk away limping and I feel with all my heart that I will limp the rest of my life. But, I am still going to hold on and get my blessing!

You are not seeing this by chance. What are you wrestling with God with? What things are breaking your heart? Dear sweet friends, hold on. Keep wrestling. Do not let go! Do not let go until you receive your blessing!

Love to all!






2 responses to “Lean In… Look Up… Let Go

  1. Thank you so much for having enough courage to write this blog, I’m sure it wasn’t easy. You’re very inspirational and I will pray that your strength continues to grow in God. My mom’s friend lost her child at a young age years before we met her and I remember one day after church…God told my mom to follow her. We followed her to a cemetery, where her daughter was buried. I sat in the car because I knew it was a sacred moment. But I watched in awe, I knew it was God working through my mom. I could see my mom hugging her. I don’t know what was ever said, but even from looking afar I knew there was peace that surpassed all understanding.

  2. Brandi, I was at my Grief Share Class last night and I was looking through the front pages of the book and I can not believe what it said. One of the suggestions for living with your grief said “Lean Into Your Grief” I immediately thought of you.

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Brandi Trent

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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