Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

This Is Not Our Home…

on September 19, 2013

I truly have to say that I am so very blessed with such wonderful, godly Christian women in my life. There is no way that I could still be standing up today if it were not for them. They listen to me rant, cry, and at times they make me get up and live. They remind me often of what God’s Word says and how I have no choice but to hold on to His promises.

I have one fantastic friend, who always will let me bounce my ideas on what I feel like God is trying to teach me and she will give me her honest opinion. We have been doing that a lot lately. And, as a matter of fact, in the very near future she is going to be a guest speaker on my blog. She is going to give you a very personal perspective on someone watching from the outside during the loss of Chandler. I know it will be wonderful!

Here lately, we have talked a lot about how people come up with the most “churchy” statements that we have ever heard. One of the classic “churchy” statements is, “Just remember, this world is not our home.” Ok, that is true. This world is not our home. But, after thinking this over and over in my mind, I feel like there is a lot left out in this statement.

I was recently listening to a song by Laura Story called “Blessings”. It is a wonderful song. It asks questions in the song…. Strange, isn’t it? But, seriously, that song is straight God-breathed. There is one line in the song that says, “The pain reminds us that this is not our home.” Well, we have talked and talked about that. My friend and I were just talking about the line in the song and we totally just talked about the “churchy” statement, “This world is not our home.”

It suddenly hit me after listening to this song over and over again that we were forgetting the first part of the line. Which says, “The PAIN reminds us that this is not our home.” Well, I am sure that not one of us wants to walk up to someone and say, “Well, I know you are going through horrible pain right now but just remember the pain reminds us that this is not our home.”

But, guess what? That is exactly what we should be saying. Pain in this life can come from all different sources. In my case, it is the death of my son. But, for you it could be marriage issues, financial crisis, a child heading down the wrong path, illness, etc. So, it leads me to ask the question that Laura Story sings about. What if the pain of this life is to remind us that this is NOT our home? Our home, our true eternal home does not come with all this pain. It will have no place in our heavenly home. To me, my heavenly home seems so distant to me. Like, the day will never come. But, it is coming, sweet friends. Another song that comes to mind says, “There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more, and we WILL see Jesus face to face. But, until that day, we will hold on to you always.”

I am tired of all the “churchy” responses. And, as a matter of fact I have vowed that I will not be saying them anymore. Laura Story asks another question in her song. She asks, “What if our greatest disappointments or the aching’s of this life is a revealing of a greater thirst that this world can’t satisfy?” See, I am coming to realize that the world cannot satisfy or help me through my pain and grief. I have to remind myself of this a million times a day.

I have been struggling so much with needing answers to exactly what happened to Chandler. I want to know why he did what he did. I want to know the thoughts that were going through his mind. Why did he even have a gun to his head? I know with everything in me that this was an accident. He did not mean for this to happen. He had no idea of the eternal consequences his actions would have. It has left me paralyzed trying to figure out what happened. But, I am starting to ask myself, “Is my pain and grief to remind me that this is not my home?”

Please, don’t get me wrong. I am not ok with this kind of pain reminding me that this is not my home. Couldn’t there have been something else to remind me? I want my son back. Oh, the changes I would make if I could just get him back! But, what if….. What if our pain IS to remind us that this is not our home?

I watched the Rick and Kay Warren on Piers Morgan the other night and I loved what Rick Warren said when asked if he doubted or questioned God about his son’s tragic suicide. His reply was no, he did not doubt or question God. He questioned God’s plan. I feel that way. I do not understand why it had to be my son in His plan. But, I am determined to see this plan through.

Kay Warren also spoke of a verse that she clings to right now since the loss of her precious boy. I want to share it with you:

“It is the same way with the resurrection of the dead. Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, BUT they will be raised to live forever. Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength. They are buried as natural human bodies, but they will be raised as spiritual bodies. For just as there are natural bodies, there are also spiritual bodies.”

~I Corinthians 15:42-44 – New Living Translation

Here is the truth about my sweet Chandler. I am coming to find out a lot of things that I did not know before he passed away. Some, I did know already. And, one thing is he was not happy. He told me so. However, he asked that I just be there to listen when he needed to talk because he was getting older and had to handle his problems on his own. Was he unhappy to the point of taking his life, no. He was not. But, there were pieces and parts in his life that were broken. He was actively trying to find a way to fix those broken places. I know, because he told me.

But, the one thing I do know. He isn’t broken anymore. He isn’t unhappy anymore. He was buried in brokenness and he was raised in glory. Hallelujah! He was buried in weakness but he was raised with strength! Praise the Lord! He was buried as a human body but has raised as a spiritual body!

He now knows this earth was never, ever his home. I think we would all be wise to set our old time “churchy” thinking aside and start thinking eternally. This is not our home. But, as long as we are here, we have purpose here. God has things for us to do. Me, I am going to talk until I am blue in the face about my son. About his struggles. About his unhappiness and brokenness. You know why? Because, someone out there needs to hear it. Maybe someone his age. Maybe a parent who is struggling with the decisions that their child is making.

As I have said before…. What the enemy meant for evil, God meant for good. The enemy cannot silence me from speaking the truth. So, look for more, my friends. I am going to be talking!

God Bless, Brandi


3 responses to “This Is Not Our Home…

  1. You are such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your heart with us

  2. Susan Kirby says:

    I love you Brandi! Keep on talking!!!

  3. Donna F. Yarbrough/Florida/cousin says:

    Praying for ya’ll Brandi..Nothing else can be said. You are a wise moma. Thanks

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Brandi Trent

my journey to finding god in the midst of grief

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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