Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

13 Weeks Today…

on September 21, 2013

Its 7:09 pm right now…. 13 weeks ago today, Chandler was pronounced deceased at 7:20 pm. Although, he had actually passed away around 4:00 pm on this day.

My heart is still as broken as ever. I have thought of him all day today, yesterday, the day before that, and so on… Most times, all day, every day. My heart is so heavy this day.

I remember him exactly the way he was before this happened. I remember him exactly as he was the day this happened. I, also remember exactly the way he was after this happened. And, now I remember the emptiness. Of not seeing him at all. Not talking to him.

I often think of how final death really is. When God comes and takes one of His children home, the door is closed. It’s the most final thing I have ever experienced. I do not even begin to understand how final it is. I, only have a glimpse… 13 weeks out, just a glimpse. The thought of an entire lifetime seems eternal. Like it will never get here. I often find myself asking God for 5 more minutes… Just long enough to talk to him again. Tell him more things that I feel like I forgot to say while saying goodbye.

I ask God to give him messages a million times a day. I ask God to give me peace to know that he is ok. I ask God why it had to be my child. I remind God that His Word says that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we have no words. That our groans are given to God from the Holy Spirit Himself. Most times, I can’t even get the words out to God on how badly this hurts.

He has given me the knowledge to know that five more minutes wouldn’t be enough. I know that 5 hours, 5 days, 5 years, a trillion years would never be enough time for me to be with Chandler. I guess that is why death is so final. Because, no amount of time will ever be enough.

I try to understand. And, what is so frustrating to me is that I know God’s promises. I know where Chandler is right this very minute. I rely and meditate on God’s Word. And, it does bring me peace. But, this hole in my heart tends to just take over.

I do not understand why this happened that day. I dig for answers and come up with nothing. I do NOT understand God’s plan in this. And, then I feel guilty because I do not understand His plans for this.

But, then I remember… I do not have to understand His ways. I just have to trust Him. Trust Him with the fact that He is now taking care of Chandler. Trust Him that He will protect my sweet Alyssa and Sara. And, I have to trust Him that He will do something with this shredded heart of mine. His Word says that His ways are not our ways. I have to trust that His Ways will help me.

I yearn for Chandler in a way that I cannot describe in words. Even right this second, I can barely take my next breath because I miss him so badly.

I find myself wishing that I had done things differently. If we had just moved when Greg wanted to move when they were smaller, I wouldn’t be right here today. Things would have turned out different. We begged him at one point to go and stay with Greg’s Dad and Stepmom for a while. What would have happened if we had just made him go?

Why can’t I grasp that God’s plan was carried out here? I know that in my heart. I tell myself that his race was finished here. His work was done and it wouldn’t have mattered on where he was or where we lived.

Sometimes, I can accept that truth. Today, I can’t. Maybe, I will tomorrow. I just don’t know.

I wanted so many things for his life. For him to know true happiness. I wanted to hold my grandbabies. I wanted to see him excel just like I knew he would at anything that he did. His heart was kind. He would’ve changed the world.

But, even as I sit here and type this…. I know in my heart that he did change my world. He changed it for the good. Every, single day… it was for the good. We had some rough spots and the last few years were tough but I know that he knows now that everything Greg and I did, we did because we loved him. At times, he thought we were ridiculous but we just wanted him to be ok. We wanted him to be safe.

I know that there were many more things that I feel like I should have done. I talked to him about that 13 weeks ago today as I held his hand by his bedside. I asked him to forgive me.

I just want to say to the parents that read this blog. If you feel in your heart that something is not right with your child, act on it. Your instinct is probably right. Don’t second guess yourself and do something drastic if you need to. Just move. Stand up. Intervene.

I feel so vulnerable and horrible for saying this to the whole world. But, I did not act on some of the flags that I knew in my heart were raised for a reason. I always thought that nothing could happen to my children. I was wrong. One of the major reasons that I decided to do this blog is to speak out. To let you know that you are not sitting here reading this blog by chance.

Someone is reading this today and they have the feeling that something isn’t right with their child. I am praying for you. You can do what you need to do. May God give you the courage and wisdom to stand up and move. Tomorrow is not promised. We only have today.

And, I’m going to have the courage to stand up and ask you all today to please pray for me and mine. We need extra prayers today.

Much love and blessings, Brandi


5 responses to “13 Weeks Today…

  1. Beth says:

    Through my tears, I thank you. ❤ And I will keep you and Greg and the girls in my prayers for a long, long time.

  2. Tiny Arnold says:

    I am not sure if you remember my family, but our boys played 1 year of t-ball and then Josh played flag football with Greg that fall. I wanted to share that your family is in my prayers.

  3. Kathy Carver says:

    Praying for you & family!

  4. Rhonda Hickson says:

    Praying for you and your family!

  5. Nicole Manes says:

    Amen ♥

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Brandi Trent

my journey to finding god in the midst of grief

all our lemmony things

for when life hands you lemons

Urban Hallelujah

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Dose Dependent Ministries

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Ephesians 5:16

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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