Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

The Truth…. Well, The Truth Is Fear…

on October 5, 2013

 

I have been asked by several people why I haven’t blogged anything in a few weeks. Well, my answer is because I do not have anything to say. I’m in a mess. And, no one wants or needs to hear about the mess that I have found myself in. But, I’ve decided that I have to tell the truth no matter who wants to hear it. I don’t want to hear the truth. I can hardly tolerate it.

The truth is…. I am living in complete and total fear. Complete darkness has taken over my life. Who wants to hear that from a person who calls themselves a Christian? A person who follows God and trusts Him completely. That’s not very inspirational to say the least.

Here is a little more truth… Over the last few weeks I have found myself in one of the darkest places that I have ever been in my entire life. I cannot think of another time in my life that I have felt so alone and so full of pain. I feel like I am completely out of control. Lots and lots of tears. I have resorted to out and out sobbing. One night it was so bad that I used an ENTIRE box of tissues. In one night! I do not sleep. I fall asleep but then I find myself dreaming about Chandler and I wake up. I average 3 hours top of sleep per night. That has been going on for the last week.

I have thought and thought about what in the world my problem is. I have God and I trust Him so what is wrong with me? I have somehow embedded it in my mind that to cry and show emotion is showing weakness. What? Where did that come from? Then I started just being quiet and letting God lead me… Lead me to where He wanted me to be. I saw something that caught my eye…

My whole, entire life I have been taught that Christianity is appropriate. We handle our business to ourselves and keep it tucked away in our homes. So, from the outside it looks like we have these perfect little Christian lives full of Sunday worship, Wednesday night Bible study, VBS, Team Kid, and every other program we can sink ourselves into. And, please don’t get me wrong. All these programs are wonderful and teach us to have fellowship, community and most of all disciple us in learning about God.

But, what about those of us who do not have a Christian appropriate life? The one’s whose story is out and everybody knows that bad things are going on with us. What do we do? We can’t hide all of our troubles in our little neat houses because we have been exposed. In my case, my son, Chandler died. And, he died in a horrible way. He was messing with a gun that he had no business handling. He didn’t even know how to manage a gun properly. And, in the heat of the moment, he shot himself and he died. As a matter of fact, 15 weeks ago today. So, what do I do? Everyone knows now that my Christian life isn’t appropriate.

 Well, all of that has been embedded in me so long that it has worked me into a complete and total spirit of fear. A dark hole so to speak. A violent wave of emotions that are most times unbearable. It has made me feel like I am losing my mind because I needed for others to see that even though I am in a horrible place that I am still a Jesus girl. That I still love and seek God.

So, I have been just praying today, asking God what to do. I feel like I am at an all-time peak in this darkness and something has to give. I begged him for help. And, He showed up. And, this is what He wants me to do:

  • Forget being appropriate. That is the first thing. He has asked me to be 100% transparent. Others need to see that in their situations in life it is ok that we are not living an appropriate life. We are human. It is very hard to be transparent when you have it embedded deep in your soul that Christians cannot show signs of weakness. We are more than conquerors. The Bible clearly says that. BUT, we cannot forget that we are merely humans and our victories come through the Lord. Not from our silly mentality that we have to pretend that everything is ok.
  • The second thing he reminded me of today is that I need to remember that Jesus was a Carpenter. Yes, He is the King of Kings but He was also a Carpenter. He faced all the challenges that we face. He knows exactly how we feel. He has been there. He was one of us who went to work and bad things happened to. He was a simple, working Carpenter.
  • He also wanted to remind me that He has been where I am. He lost a child. A son. Just like me. It broke His heart. He needs me to know that. And, I think about when Jesus was on the cross and He died. The Bible says that the moment He died, “the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life.” I cannot help but think that God shook the earth and split the rocks just from the sheer grief that he felt at that very moment. I felt that way when Chandler passed away. As a matter of fact, several people told me that I kept saying that I just wanted to start running and never stop. The grief is more than us appropriate Christians can bare. It truly is. We all need to be reminded that God knows about grief from personal experience.

In these reminders, He also wanted me to call out to my friends, those that know me and know our story. To reach out and ask for your prayers. To pray for protection for my family so that the enemy has no choice but to stay away from us. See, we are weak right now. I have allowed the enemy to spit lies all through me. So much so, that I am walking in constant fear. Fear of everything. God wants me to ask others, you all, to minister to me right now. Encourage me and pray for my family. It takes a lot sometimes to boldly step out and ask the entire body of Christ to pray for you, minister to you, and especially encourage you that it is ok to grieve for a lost child. It doesn’t make me any less a Christian.

God wants me to be transparent to you. If that’s what He wants, then that’s what I am going to do. Even though I am desperate, afraid, filled with grief and hurt, and I am walking in fear that is not of God, I still love Him. I still want to follow Him. I still believe Him. And, it’s ok that you know that my life isn’t appropriate. It’s not great at all right now. But, I still have Jesus and I am still going to follow Him.

I want to leave you today with the words of a song by Fred Hammond that I have listenened to constantly since June 22nd. I feel like Fred Hammond is transparent too. Because, His words tell the exact story of my heart:

I’ve lost some joy, I’ve lost some time – Now it feels like I will lose my mind                                           

Journeyed long and lost my way – And, now it feels like I’ve lost is all I say

Searching here and over there for what I’ve lost – Where is it – I don’t know

But, I will find a way to lift up my hands – And, I will find a way to worship You Lord

And, though my heart is broke, I’ll find a way to give You praise

I will find a way to love You more

I’ve lost so much down through the years – It seems that all I find here lately is a face so full of tears

I search each dark and empty place – The peace I used to know, somehow I have misplaced

Searching here and over there for the things I’ve lost – I don’t have them anymore

But I will find a way to lift up my hands – And, I will find a way to worship You Lord

And, though my heart is broke, I’ll find a way to give You praise

I will find a way to love You more

I am so thankful that Fred Hammond stepped out and decided to be transparent. That He answered that call. What a blessing it has been to me and countless others I am sure.

 I hope that you all don’t mind for me being so transparent and I hope that you will continue to lift us up in prayer and pray for our protection. We are down. But, we still love God. We know that joy will come in time if we just hold on.

Blessings, Brandi

 

 

 

 

 

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8 responses to “The Truth…. Well, The Truth Is Fear…

  1. Brandi, I will be praying for God to put a hedge of protection around you and the girls. I need to start listening to God. He has reminded me all day today that it is Saturday, and I know they are so hard for you. I am sorry I didn’t listen to him and call you today. I hope you will call me or text anytime you want to.

  2. Chris Hayes says:

    I, too, have wondered why you haven’t blogged. I wanted to call you and get together but have been pretty down and didn’t want to drag you further down. If it helps, everything your saying makes perfect sense. No one has it all together. Everyone is stuggling with something. Your willingness to share is helping more people than you know. That is using the bad for good. Love to you and your precious family

  3. On November 17, 2003, my daughter, Hannah, died of cancer. She was 16. I am so sorry for your loss. You have begun a terrible journey through grief. The loss of a child creates a pain like no other. Don’t expect others to understand. They will try but they cannot. I promise that the misery will lessen… over time. But the ache in your heart will be there until you are reuinted. I still weep over Hannah and suspect I always will. Your faith and your Christian community are wonderful resources. I am glad they are there for you. And it is good that you are expressing yourself. That will help. Bless you, Brandi. And blessed be the name of the Lord.

  4. Susan Akins says:

    I love reading your blogs! I have not personally lost a child but have been through the loss of a child with my brother in law and his wife , with a co-worker and also with a friend that lost a close friend to my youngest son.. I cannot say I feel yor pain or know what you are going through but I encourage you to let it out. You are awesome for doing this. Looking forward to your next blog.

  5. Thank You Brandi for sharing these words from your heart. May you find some peace and comfort as each day passes. My heart is with you and all family.

  6. rhonda says:

    Brandi, l am so sorry for what you and your family are having to go through. My thoughts and Prayers are with you all.

  7. Paula Sales says:

    Brandi, I cannot even begin to understand how you, Greg or your girls are feeling right now. Please, please be transparent with us! We all love you and want to be here for you no matter what, through your good days and bad days, and even the ugly cries :-). I have and will continue to pray for all of you. Love you bunches!!!!!

  8. Beth says:

    Brandi, I hope you will always feel the freedom to be transparent with me. I won’t always have the right words to say, but you will always have my ear to listen. I have no idea what it’s like to lose a child, but I do know what it feels like to think you have to pretend that every thing is appropriate, especially when it’s really not. Love you, my friend. And always lifting you and your family up in my prayers.

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Brandi Trent

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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