Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

Walking on the Water….

on October 19, 2013

Well, once again it has been a while since I have written anything. I have just had to take a break. Sometimes, I have to be in solitude. Sometimes, in our pain, we have to retreat to just being alone. I retreat away from everyone just to be alone with my Father. I have to let Him tend to my wounds. They are so raw and open right now.

God has been leading me to read and just soak in the story in Matthew about how Jesus walked on the water.  He was leading me to really think about storms. You see, Jesus had the disciples to go ahead and get in the boat and go ahead of Him to the other side. Then, it tells us that after they left, Jesus went up to the mountainside to pray. Jesus needed to detach Himself from everyone and go find a place to pray and spend time with His Father.

I do not want to miss that one verse. It says, “With the crowd dispersed, he climbed the mountain so he could be by himself and pray. He stayed alone, late into the night.” ~ The Message

I don’t think we should miss that. We need to do this frequently. A lot of us like to use the term “quiet time”. That is the time each day that we take away from the rest of the world and just get still and quiet. Praying, reading God’s Word, and listening to what He has to say to us.

I make emphasis of this because of this one thing. I woke up on Saturday, June 22nd and had no idea the storm that was coming in my life that day. I had no idea when I woke up that Chandler would be gone by the end of the night. I was not prepared at all. I had been lacking in my quiet time. I had not been on top of my spiritual welfare. And, all I can say, is this. Thank God for his grace. Without it, I wouldn’t have made it past the initial phone call.

We have to be prepared for the storms that are going to come in our lives. They are coming, whether we like it or not. And, most of the time, we have no idea when they will hit. I looked up the definition of storm in the dictionary. Here is what I found:

Storm –

  • a sudden occurrence of something in large amounts
  • a serious disturbance of any element of nature
  • a disturbed or agitated state: a sudden of violent commotion

That is exactly what happened to my world when Chandler died. It was a violent commotion in my heart, my soul, and commotion invading everything around me. I was disturbed and the emotions were pouring out in large amounts. It was a disturbance of nature. Parents do not bury their children. It isn’t natural.

So, I was thrown in the midst of a storm that I had no idea was coming and I wasn’t at all prepared for it. I love the words from a song that Hillsong United sings. The song is called Oceans. It says:

You called me out upon the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail

And, there I find You in the mystery, in oceans deep, my faith will stand

I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace

For I am Yours, and You are mine

I found myself right in the middle of the fiercest storm that I have ever been in my entire life. And, just like Peter, I just wanted to get to Jesus. I knew in that very moment that I was going to have to get out of the boat and walk to Him. I knew the waves were uncontrollable and I could easily sink.

But, I had to go with what I knew. I stepped out. And, honestly, I could not hardly keep my head above water. I knew I had to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and nothing else. But, it is so hard in the middle of our fiercest storms. You want to take your eyes off Jesus and run. You want to get away so that you can tell yourself that this storm is NOT happening to you. But, it is. I was reminded of that every time I stepped into that hospital room. So, I focused in on Jesus. I found myself living out the words of the song, Oceans once again. It says:

Spirit lead me when my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wonder

That my faith would be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior

I had to step out and focus on the One that had my son in His arms. Chandler was standing in His Presence. I cannot tell you how much peace that brings to a Mother’s soul to know that her child is with the Alpha, the Omega, The Beginning, The End. I just have to stop and praise You Father. Thank You.

It brings me peace to know where Chandler is but please know that the storm still rages on in our lives. We battle it every day. I would much rather have Chandler here with me. God knows that. So, he extends His open arms and embraces me. He is applying treatment to my wounds.

I keep thinking what in the world would Chandler want me to say to everyone on this blog? What would he want me to tell you? From where he is sitting right now in heaven. What would he want you all to know? And, this is what I think he would want you to know:

Sometimes, in our storms, we choose to separate ourselves from God. We tend to stay right in the boat. Never moving. That is NOT what God wants from us. I am sure each and everyone of you that read this blog are: going through a storm right now, you know someone who is going through a storm right now, or you are getting ready to go through a storm and just do not know it yet. I want to say to you, DO NOT wait another second. Do not allow the storms of this world keep you from knowing and having a relationship with God. Tomorrow is not promised. You can have SALVATION and a RELATIONSHIP with the God that walks on water TODAY. What if Chandler had waited? We think we have all this time. We do not. We are not promised another second.

Take your storm to the only one that can calm it. God may not stop the storm completely but He will keep the waves from overtaking you. He will be there and we can walk straight to Him if we keep our eyes on Him.

Father, thank You for taking me away to quiet places and speaking words of healing over me. Thank You for treating my brokenness. My heart is absolutely in pieces. Father, I do not understand why Chandler had to be the one, but I understand and trust that You do. Father, I just pray that anyone who reads this brings their storms straight to You. Father, I know You will be there waiting. I love You. Thank You Father for Your grace. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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Brandi Trent

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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