Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

Missing Places….

on November 1, 2013

I have absolutely no idea what I am going to say in this post. I haven’t worked on it. Honestly, what I want to write about today is so fresh to me.

My heart is lonely this evening. Yesterday, was Halloween. I didn’t think much about it. But, it was another first. The first Halloween without Chandler.

I have been thinking a lot the last few days about the emptiness I feel in my heart. I can only describe it this way. A part of my heart that holds my children in it is split three different ways. I have a missing piece in my heart that is where Chandler belongs.

A lot of people will say that he is still in my heart. He is to some extent. But, my heart wants to mother him. I long to just mother him. I have had that longing since the second I knew I was pregnant with him. It’s not the same now. I have my two girls and I long to mother them. They have their place in the other two sections of my heart.

People want to say to just pour my energy into Alyssa and Sara. Use all of my energies in them. I can do that to some extent as well. They need me now more than ever. But, I still long to mother Chandler. That feeling hasn’t even eased one bit.

I remember when I sat bedside with Chandler on the day he passed away. I wanted to fix his injury. I wanted God to make it better, to heal him. I wanted to dress his wound, wash his face, and I wanted to make it all better just like I used to when he was a little boy. I would have been content to just have him stay in that hospital bed for the rest of my life and just let me take care of him the only way I knew how. But, that is the selfish part of me. I needed to mother him. I watched carefully as others came in to see him. I wanted to make sure they didn’t mess up his IV or the Ventilator. I wanted them to be careful when they held his hand and to watch out for his injured head.

I discussed with a friend today how I felt. I have never really spoken these words out loud. I had no words for how I have felt. She brought up a very valid point. She said it sounded like stories she had heard from people that have had a limb amputated. She described the way they had phantom pain. Pain that is so real in a limb that isn’t there. She said that they had said if they could just grab their hand and rub it or put it in warm water that it would make them feel so much better. But, they can’t grab on to something they don’t have.

That’s how I feel. I want to grab hold of Chandler and just hold him. The pain is intense and if I could just grab hold then I know the pain would ease off. But, I can’t. Because, he isn’t there. He is with the Lord.

I have talked to so many Mothers that have lost a child. I wonder if they feel this way. I wonder if they get stuck in their grief because of this need.  And, I wonder if they even know that this is why they are stuck.

I imagine that our heavenly Father feels the same way when we drift off and go our own way without Him. When He knows that we are just not there anymore. A part of him is missing. The part that wants to Father you. To take care of you and your wounds. I imagine that He watches all the others around us to make sure they are not trying to harm His child. He loves us that way you know.

He wants to take care of us. All we have to do is reach out.

I just had to lay out my heart before you this evening. I hope that it touches someone, somewhere. God is speaking. Are you listening?

Have a good evening…. ~Brandi

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Brandi Trent

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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