Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

Living in Our Grief

on November 10, 2013

What I am writing about is very personal to me right now during this stage in my life. The subject has been an intense issue with me for some time now. And, that is guilt. I live with guilt for what seems like every second of every day.

I think it is normal for a person to have guilt in the devastating grief that I live with each day now. But, to what extent do I have to actually stand up and say enough is enough?

In this journey, I have encountered many people who have lost a child. It seems like we are initiated into this “club” that no one ever wants to be a member of. The main thing that I have found that has bothered me to the core of my soul is how guilt is so closely tied to grief. I see and have talked with parents that are in the very same place that they were the day that their child died. Whether it be 6 months, 2 years, or 25 years. And, I will be honest. That scares me to death. The thought of dealing with the pain that I am enduring now in 2o years makes me feel like there is no hope in finding joy. Joy that I know that Chandler would want for me. I know in my heart that he would want me to find a way to live again.

This has caused me to start seeking and praying. Asking God the hard questions of, “Is this it? God, is this where the road ends for me? Will I live with this excruciating pain for the rest of my time here on earth? If this is it, can you just go on and take me? Do I have to live in this?” He has whispered over me and shown me His Word which is truth. I am so thankful that He never delayed in coming to my side and helping me through this.

He has shown me that these feelings come from grief. And, it doesn’t always come in my situation. It can come from the loss of anyone that is very special to us. It can come from a divorce or broken relationship. It can come from the loss of a dream. It can come from anything that we experience in this world that breaks us. Infidelity of a spouse, a child who is destroying their lives right before your eyes and you are helpless to do anything about it. Any situation where you find yourself broken.

This is where we, as Christians, have to open our minds to TRUTH. I have been very naïve in thinking that Satan would give me a break right now with all that our family is going through. Not true. He plays dirty. And, we are foolish to think different. He will not wait until the playing field is fair. When we are able to get up and defend ourselves. God’s Word is truth. It tells us in John 10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy…” He doesn’t care about what we have just lost. He still wants us to be destroyed. I praise God that we have so many people that have rallied around my family to pray for our protection during this season. They pray for our family to have healthy grief. We could not go through each day without their intercessory prayers that keep us safe.  

I am trying to tread lightly on this subject because I in no way want to make light of another’s persons grief or loss. But, I do want to share what God has taught me about grief and guilt. Beth Moore said in one of her books, “Grief is not a stronghold. Lengthy life-draining despair is. Blocking the healing, restorative power of God places a believer in a painful, literally debilitating yoke of bondage.” I have found myself in the bondage of life-draining despair. It has only been 20 weeks since I lost Chandler so I don’t feel like I am at the lengthy part yet. But, I can see how I could get to the lengthy part very easily. However, I am in a debilitating state of grief with all kinds of guilt in it.

Sometimes we hang on to our grief as a way to hang on to the one or thing we have lost. Beth Moore also said, “Sometimes we wrestle with an unshakable feeling that we will betray our loved one if we even dare to be happy again.” The definition of guilt is “a bad feeling caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something bad or wrong”. I have been trying to find anything I can about guilt and I came across a song by Mandisa, called “Not Guilty”.

I pulled it up on YouTube and listened to it. When I listened to the words, the Lord spoke over my soul to where I could do nothing but cry and praise Him at the same time. I listened to the words and it made me think of what happened when Chandler saw Jesus face to face. When he actually looked Him in the eyes. I believe He said something like these words to Chandler:

I know you. I love you. I gave my life just to save you.

Love paid the price, for mercy. My verdict…. NOT GUILTY.

Welcome home my faithful servant.

And, as I imagined the Lord speaking to my son, God whispered over me, “This applies to you today.” And, I realized that these words are true to every believer today. Through His saving grace, we have been found NOT GUILTY. When we are faithful to confess and repent of our sins, God declares us not guilty.

We have to start living even in our grief. Life doesn’t stop when we lose someone or something dear to us. As long as we are breathing, we have purpose here. We have to stand on God’s truth and proclaim them. And, that requires action on our part. We have to declare His promises and walk forward. We need to be steadfast to allow the Lord to heal our wounds so that we can step out and help someone else when they are in a situation like the one we are in right now. We can help them not to get tied up in bondage.

The first step is giving whatever it is that is the source of our grief and guilt to our Father. I give my grief to Him many, many times a day. We need to study His promises in His Word for our situation. We need to step out and ask our prayer warrior friends to intercede for us. We have to get up each day and shake off the guilt. And, try our best to live. It doesn’t mean we are forgetting what we have lost. Not at all. I will never as long as I live forget my son. He is in my heart to stay. But, I am going to do exactly what he would do. He would be out trying to help someone that needs it. That’s just who he was.

Stand strong…. Live in your grief.

Blessings, Brandi

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4 responses to “Living in Our Grief

  1. Lisa Hatfield says:

    You have such an amazing gift and I am so glad that you are using it to share and heal.

    And yes satan comes at you harder in times of despair. I had such a powerful prayer group that interceded for me and my family during our loss 8yrs ago. The devil was working overtime on us. I love you Brandi, and I keep your family in my prayers.

  2. Rebecca says:

    I Just wanted to say thank you for sharing this blog. I have experienced my husband taking his life with a gun .my world has been shaken and turned inside out.

  3. Sandra Robinson says:

    Wow this was really powerful to me I lost my little girl 5 months ago coming up on good Friday and there isn’t a day goes by I can get through without crying
    It was hard to read your story though my tears
    I have had so meant of the chruch women tells how strong I’m and because of Beth Moore I know why because God gives us a glow that is of him it is God’s glory that is see I.g us through the hard times and if women can see this them I’m so thankful to have such a powerful God in my life
    I feel guilty some days and wonder why I took her to that hospital just all the question the devil likes to get me thinking about because he know where the buttons are to push.
    But God is ruler of my life and in my house and of my world .
    Thank you again for your story.

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Brandi Trent

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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