Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

5 Long Months….

on November 21, 2013

Tomorrow will be 5 months since our world fell apart and Chandler passed away. I have been thinking that it seems like it was yesterday but again it seems like forever. I feel like it has been so long since I have seen his face, kissed him, talked to him. I miss him just as much as I did the day he passed.

I also have realized that I am a completely different person than I was 5 months ago. It blows me away sometimes. I am not the same. Nor, will I ever be. There are good sides to that and there are bad. There is a HUGE hole in my heart that longs for my child.

I know I have probably written this before but Chandler passed away on Saturday, June 22nd around 4:00 pm. Since we decided to honor his decision to be an organ donor, we got to stay with him until Sunday evening. It seems like I sat with him a very long time on Sunday. Even though I know he wasn’t there. That was just his body. I stood guard over him like a protective Mama Bear. I couldn’t leave. I knew those were the last moments that I would see him.

I remember sitting by his bed, holding his hand. I remember crying out to God begging Him to help me. Begging him to not let my heart grow bitter and angry toward Him. I prayed with everything in me on Saturday that a miracle would happen. I pleaded. I reminded God as if He didn’t know that He raised Lazarus from the dead. He could raise Chandler also. He chose not to do that. He did heal him. He just healed him by taking him home.

After Chandler died, we merely existed. We still do most days. I cried out constantly for God to help me. There were so many nights that I just laid in bed crying and begging God to come quickly. I needed Him. You see, in those moments, He was all I had. In the middle of the night, He was it. I know I could have called anyone and they would have ran to me. But, I didn’t. I called out to God.

For weeks to follow I did not work. I did not go back to work until mid-August. Day in and day out I searched for God. I prayed, I read His Word, I listened to praise and worship music. I read every book I could find on Christian grief and how to live after losing a child. As soon as daylight would hit, I found myself on my porch. I spent a lot of time with the Lord there.

And, things have changed in my soul. I am so thankful because I could have very easily went the other way. He heard my cry and He did not allow my heart to grow cold. I begged Him to search my heart and show me anything that I needed to fix. Over time, He did. I got to a point that I could hear Him and know the things that needed to be changed.

I placed a lot of blame on others. I don’t want to share who, but it was more than one person and it was worse than I ever realized. I had to own that. These people were very, very close to me. And, I blamed them for Chandler’s death. I blamed myself. I put the blame on so many. But, never God. I feel like that is a true blessing. I think I didn’t blame Him because I knew He was all I had. But, I also knew that I had no other choice but to deal with my blame. It was eating my heart away. I haven’t even begin to sit down and apologize face to face with the people that I have blamed for something that was not their fault. I am sure so many of them have never known that I even blamed them. After a lot of time, God helped to heal my heart of all of that. It was a lot of “yuck” and I had to get rid of it. Praise God, He walked me through it. And, one day, when it is right, I will apologize and explain myself to everyone that I have blamed for Chandler’s death.

I also learned the true meaning of things that I have went around saying since I have had children that I didn’t understand therefore I could not really mean it. I used to walk around and say that my children were the Lord’s. That He had entrusted them to me. They are on loan to me. We go on with our baby dedications and we really do want to raise our children on this principle. And, don’t get me wrong. IT IS TRUE! Our children are entrusted to us from the Lord to raise and He allows us to borrow them. I just didn’t really understand that until Chandler passed away.

You see, we as parents, are never ready to give those borrowed gifts back. We never even think of it. Parents die before their children. That’s the circle of life. But, for some of us, it just doesn’t happen that way. And, that is when I truly realized the three beautiful gifts that I had been given.

Now, it was my turn to trust. God had trusted me with Chandler and now I had to step out and trust Him. I know that Chandler is with God now. But, I have to step out every day and trust Him with Chandler. I truly know the meaning of God entrusting and gifting us with our children. It has changed me.

It has created a bond between me and the Lord that can never be broken. I search His promises. I love Him now more than I ever have. I am growing and He is standing right beside me. He comforts me and fulfills His promises to me every day.

I leave with you with a wonderful verse that has spoken volumes over my soul:

“When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer.”

~Lamentations 3:23 – The Message

I am so glad that I have taken this much needed time with my precious Father. It has shown me the things that He has for me to do. I am currently doing an online Bible study and this paragraph from the book sums it up perfectly:

“A confident woman asks God to birth ministry through her burdens by meeting her needs and then she looks for ways to join Him in meeting the needs of others who are going through something similar. She knows God can use her brokenness to do something beautiful, because the cracks allow His light to shine through and His Living Water to pour out.”

~Renee Swope – A Confident Heart

I know now that God wants me to help people through this tragedy in my own life. He wants me to show others that there is hope. He is there. And, He isn’t going anywhere. Wherever He calls me, I will go.

Chandler, I know that you are well taken care of. I miss you more than words could ever say. I feel connected to you through our Heavenly Father. He calms my soul and lets me know that you are fine. I love you so much. And, I cannot wait until the day that you are standing there waiting for me when it is my time to join you. I love you to the moon and back a million times. Until then baby boy…..

Blessings, Brandi

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2 responses to “5 Long Months….

  1. I pray that I can find that close walk with God. I know he is waiting on me and is always there when I pray and seek him. I just need to learn to lean on him and to stop relying on my self and flesh. I love you and am so grateful for your friendship.

    • branditrent3 says:

      Cheri, I pray for you often. I pray that you will find peace from our Heavenly Father. I think sometimes that we think that we can pray for peace one time and it will last and last. We have to continually ask for it. We have to continue to pray and truly seek Him through His Word. It is what refuels us everyday. We have no other options as parents that have lost a child. He is our only hope. We have to trust in Him. Again, I think and pray for you often. Much love, Brandi

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Brandi Trent

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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