Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

Christ Our Savior is Born…

on December 16, 2013


I didn’t realize it had been so long since I posted! I started thinking about it today as I drove home from work. I won’t tell a lie…. I have really been struggling lately. I feel like depression has become a new part of my everyday life. Even though I keep telling myself that my depression is situational, I secretly pray and hope that is the truth. I feel deep down that it could never possibly go away.
Of course, to everyone else I look like everything is ok. That, I am so strong. That, I am learning how to live with the loss of my only son. Not true. I do not for one moment want anyone to think that I am a super woman who is just gliding through this mess called grief.
I think about how difficult the holidays will be. Other people think the same way I do. So many have reached out to me just to let me know that they are praying for us during the holidays. My biggest fear is that prayers will stop after they come and go. Our family still needs those prayers desperately.
I haven’t been able to get out among the hustle and bustle to shop and enjoy the season. I have done all of my shopping online. It’s just too hard to go out and see things that I know that Chandler would love. I have this great need to buy things for him. I think about what he would want this year. Even though that seems so crazy because I know he isn’t here, I still feel like I am leaving him out this Christmas season.
And, then…. I think…. Why am I so worried about the holidays? Why do I dread them so much? I learned through his birthday and Thanksgiving that it doesn’t matter what day it is. If it’s a holiday or not. I still feel the same. It is horrible and painful to live life without Chandler. I miss him so much. I am back to begging God to give him messages for me a thousand or more times a day.
I have come to realize that the only way that I will get through this month is to focus on the reason why there is even a Christmas in the first place. To really, really relish Christ’s birth. To immerse myself into really reflecting on His birth, His sacrifice. If that little baby wasn’t born in that manger so many years ago, I would not have one ounce of hope that I will see Chandler again. But, not only that. I would have no hope at all. We would each and every one walk around filthy in our sin.
Honestly, I feel like I have never just really stopped and just enjoyed the birth of Christ. I think about Isaiah’s words when he said many years before Christ was even born; “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” ~Isaiah 9:6 (NIV)
He was born to carry my sins. He was born to be my counselor, my God, my Father, and my peace. And, He has faithfully been all of these things to me. Especially, the last 6 months. So, I am choosing to focus on Christ’s birth. Which brings me to the Cross. The reason He was born. For me, for you, for Chandler.
I have to trust what I know to be true. I say this to myself over and over again each day. He has never forsaken me. He has never left me alone here to deal with this grief by myself. I can feel His presence like never before when I am curled in a ball crying out for my child. He is here. He has every tear I have shed in His nail scarred hands. I am thankful that I am His child. And, He is my Father. Because of His great love for me, just like David, I know that Chandler will not return to me BUT I will go to him one day. And, what a day that will be. When I can lay my eyes on that precious boy again!
So, I will keep moving forward. One step at a time. And, I am going to choose joy if it’s the last thing I do. I won’t give up. I will keep running the race. Until, He calls my name and I go to meet my baby again.
Until then sweet boy. Your Mama loves you. I miss you so much. We all do. I know you are there rejoicing tonight. Play one for me on your heavenly guitar. I love you to the moon and back and then some…..
Blessings and Merry, Merry Christmas,


3 responses to “Christ Our Savior is Born…

  1. Helen Stephens says:

    Brandi, I have been following your blogs. I can’t begin to imagine what you and your family are going thru. I cry with you when I read your blogs, then I say a prayer for you. After reading tonight’s blog, it dawned on me just how much God knows how you feel. He gave his only son so that the world could be saved. May God continue to wrap you in his arms and bring comfort to you and your family. — Helen Stephens (Beth Littlejohn’s mom)

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Brandi Trent

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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