Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

When There Is Pain In The Offering…

on June 2, 2014

August 21, 1995 my life changed forever. At 7:04am I laid eyes on the most beautiful baby boy that I have ever seen. There was a lot of busyness going on all around me. I just wanted to get him into my arms. I had waited for 39 weeks to see this baby.

I will never forget when all the busyness stopped and it was just him and me together at last. I stared at him for what seemed like hours. He was perfect. He had a head full of beautiful black hair. He weighed in at 7 pounds 1 ounce and was 19 inches long. I remember unfolding all of the blankets and counting his little fingers and toes. Checked him all over. Perfect.

I began praying and thanking God for this gift. I remember tear drops of pure, unselfish, indescribable love dropping on his little leg. I did not deserve him. But, yet, God gave him to me anyway.

June 22, 2013 once again changed my life forever. At 4:10pm I said goodbye to the most beautiful boy that I have ever seen. Again, there was a lot of busyness going on all around me. I just wanted to get him into my arms.

For a brief time the busyness stopped. It was just me and him together at last. I stared at him for what seemed like hours. He was perfect. I remember checking everything again to make sure he was ok and he was comfortable.

I began praying and thanking God for this gift. For these 17 years that I had with Chandler. I remember tear drops of pure, indescribable love and grief all at the same time. I remember fixing his blankets, holding his hand and I remember the tear drops fell on his hand this time.

I remember thinking about a song that has been a favorite of mine and Chandler’s. This was one of the first songs that he learned to play on his guitar. I heard the words over in my head:

When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, blessed be your name, blessed be your name. Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering. Though there is pain in the offering, blessed be your name. You give and take away, you give and take away. My heart will choose to say Lord, blessed be your name.”

There was tremendous pain in this offering. But, my heart had to choose to say, blessed be your name. There is no other way.

I am ready to tell his story even though there is pain in this offering that I give to you. It makes me ache for him. But, God wants his story to be told.

I wanted to start from the beginning but I had to address the end as well.

Chandler was such a good boy. He was the delight in our lives. He was the first grandchild on my side as well as Greg’s. Spoiled rotten. We couldn’t help ourselves. He was a kind, sweet, and giving child. You have no idea how many times I picked him up from school when he was in elementary school with no coat. When I would ask him where his coat was, he would say that someone in his class didn’t have a coat. He gave his to the child because he had more coats at home. That giving spirit stayed with him until the very end. His last gift was to 5 special people who received his organs so that they may live.

Along the way, we saw that Chandler was veering off on a path that we were not happy with. A path that brought Greg and I to our knees. It began his sophomore year.

I have such a heart for parents that are struggling with the decisions that their children are making that are destroying them. I have a heart for the children that are making these decisions.

In sharing my story, Chandler’s story, I hope and pray that it gives parents hope. That it gives them an idea of what road to take to intervene. To go after that child and fight with everything in you to help them even when he/she cannot help themselves.

I also hope that Chandler’s story will help a teen/young adult who is struggling. You know the decisions you are making are wrong. You struggle with making the same mistakes over and over again even though you know you are headed the wrong way. You feel like the last thing you could do is go to your parents and tell them the truth. I am telling you to run to them. Right now. There is absolutely no one that loves you more than they do. They are for you. They love you more than a friend, girlfriend, boyfriend could ever love you. They would lay down and die to know that you are ok.

You haven’t gone too far. That is a lie the enemy will attack you with every day. You will never go too far for God to come and rescue you. Come home. You will be safe there.

Much love, Brandi

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4 responses to “When There Is Pain In The Offering…

  1. Rhonda Cinnamon says:

    Brandi, you are truly a remarkable woman. I first started following your posts because I wanted to know if you had found a way to heal after the pain of losing a child. My wounds still feel fresh, even after ten years. I lost my daughter, my first child, when I went into labor after a full term pregnancy. And I had no idea she was gone. Can you please tell me, how do I let the healing begin? I feel as though the pain is all I have left of her, and letting it go would be like she never existed. As I read your posts, I
    realize that there is hope. I just don’t know if I can find it. I hope that I have not over stepped by commenting on your post.

    Rhonda C.

    • branditrent3 says:

      Rhonda, you are not overstepping anything. I know exactly how you feel when you say that it feels like the pain is all you have left. That is the best description I have heard about these feelings. One thing I have learned is healing cannot begin until it begins with God. We cannot live in the past. Even though we want to because that is where our children are. We can’t look to our future because it’s too painful to acknowledge that our children are not in our future. So, that leaves us in the present. This moment. No farther. In the present is where we meet God. He is here with us. Then, we slowly allow him to comfort us, assure us that our children are ok and that because of Jesus we will be with them again. We will never forget them. God doesn’t intend for us to. I pray. And, then I pray some more. It’s constant. One step at a time. You are a precious friend. I am praying for you. Hope is here for you today.

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Brandi Trent

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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