Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

To: Chandler’s Friends Along The Way

on June 4, 2014

I have often asked myself the following questions:

What would I say if I could sit down and talk face to face with all of the important people that were in Chandler’s life? What would I truly say if I had their full attention? It has changed minute by minute for the past year.

Here is how I would start that conversation:

I wish that I could say that I don’t blame anyone. I wish I could say that anger and bitterness hasn’t claimed part of my heart. As hard as it may be for some of you to believe, it grieves my soul to my very core that I feel these things. I absolutely hate that those feelings are in my heart. I beg God to take these feelings from me. I ask God not to let this stay with me forever. I ask God to put a sincere, wholehearted desire in my heart to pray for each of you by name. I pray that I wouldn’t be so sad and to the point of jealous as I see each of you step out and live your life.

But, the truth. I feel all these things. The truth. I pray all of these things. Even though I have these feelings, as hard as it may be for you to understand, I sincerely hope and pray that you succeed.

I, also, would tell you that at the beginning point of my deepest grief, I just knew that it was going to be my job to “save” all of you. To walk down this road of grief together. To provide comfort. I really thought that I could just pick up where Chandler’s heart for you left off. Over the last year of his life, he spoke to me in great detail about all of you. He told me where you were at in your life and he had a plan for each of you to help you with the things you were struggling with. So, I thought, I have to finish what he started.

I came to the realization very quickly that my motives were not the same as Chandler’s. I wanted each of you to fill the void that had been left in my life when I lost Chandler. I placed an expectation on you that there was no way that you could fill. You couldn’t fill the void. The void still exists today and I truly believe it will be there the rest of my life. I had to realize that I would have to rely on the impact of Chandler’s life on each of you. The life he lived, his legacy, and the things that have happened and that are still happening after his death that have been tremendous blessings. Those things would have to be the driving forces in each of your lives. I had to learn that this was Chandler’s purpose and plight and it was not mine. You all had to learn at a very young age that we are not promised another second. And, I am sorry that you had to learn this so early in your lives. I would tell you now that you have to make each second count. We can’t afford to put off one second. We do not know how much time we have.

I would encourage you to chase after what’s good and right. To focus and act upon the things that will impact others in a positive way. To be the one in the room that is different. The one that others see as a shining light to those around them.

It reminds me of Paul’s words in Phillipians:

“Finally, brothers and sisters, fill your minds with beauty and truth. Meditate on whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is good, whatever is virtuous and praiseworthy. Keep to the Script. Whatever you learned, received, heard, and saw in me – Do it and the God of peace will walk with you.”

~Phillipians 4:8-9 – The Voice

I haven’t done a good job at thinking on these things since Chandler’s death. It’s hard for me to see the good in anything. I tend to see all the bad. All the mistakes. Even though Jesus, Himself warned us:

“I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be liberated, will go in and out, and will find pastures. The thief approaches with malicious intent, looking to steal, slaughter, and destroy; I came to give life with joy and abundance.”

John 10:9-10 – The Voice

I have read that verse over and over again in my walk with Christ. I knew when Chandler started having problems way before his death that this verse was true. He was after Chandler. He wanted to destroy him. He wanted to destroy you as well. I prayed for protection like I never had before for him. And, I prayed it over each of you as well.

But, even though I know this Scripture in Phillipians and I have been warned through the Scripture in John, I have had to come back and ask God:

How can there be beauty and truth in losing my son? Your friend?

How is that honorable? Right? Pure? Lovely? Good? Virtuous?

And, please tell me how in the world his death could be praiseworthy? How?

Then, I think of these verses:

“My intentions are not always yours, and I do not go about things as you do. My thoughts and My ways are above and beyond you, just as heaven is far from your reach here on earth.” ~ Isaiah 55:8-9 – The Voice

“So it is when I declare something, My Word will go out and not return to me empty, but it will do what I wanted; it will accomplish what I determined.” ~Isaiah 55:11, The Voice

Ok. So, ask yourselves, what has this tragedy accomplished in your life? Have you taken hold of Chandler’s life, legacy and thought of beauty and truth? Have you done the honorable thing? The right thing? Whatever is pure? Whatever is lovely? What is good? Virtuous? And, most importantly, are you allowing God to do the things He wants to do in your lives that result in knowing that he has done things for us that are praiseworthy? Are you stepping out in faith and obedience to His call upon your life?

I ask myself these very questions. And, sometimes, I like the answers and sometimes I do not. Sometimes, I am so off the mark that I just want to go back to bed and not get up again. So, that leads me back to the verse in Phillipians. What do we do?

“Keep to the Script.” Keep doing the things that God is calling you to do. The things that will honor Him and give Him all of the praise and glory.

And, finally, I would say to you. No, things were not always good. Yes, I have been unhappy with the decisions that you and Chandler made together. Yes, I would do it very differently if I had a second chance. Yes, I loved the way each of you had your own unique laughs. And, I loved the sounds it made when all those laughs came together.

And, I would say thank you for being a friend to Chandler. Thank you for providing a lot of his happiness here on this earth. Thank you for being a friend to him. And, I would tell you to look to God for everything in your life. He will not steer you wrong. These are the things I would say to all of you if I could sit down with you all face to face.

Blessings, Brandi

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

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