Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

Sovereign…..

Today has just been one of those days…. I have known this day was coming for several weeks now. These days are a frequent fixture in my life every so often since I lost Chandler. Those days where you just can’t hold it in anymore. You just have to let it out. For those of you that have seen me let it out, it isn’t pretty. It is a gut-wrenching cry of grief from the lowest depth of my soul. It almost feels like it comes from the pit of my stomach.
Don’t get me wrong. I cry all the time. Here and there. On my way to work, while I’m in the shower, when I’m alone in my room. Sometimes, Greg and I cry together. Sometimes, he cries and I hold his hand. Sometimes, I cry and I just lean into him and his arm just holds me until I feel I can breathe again. I have always known that he has the most amazing arms…. They just envelop me completely. I am very aware of his strong arms now. They make me feel safe. They make me feel like everything is going to be ok. Somehow. Someway.
Today, I’m at the point where I am asking God… Are You still Sovereign? Are You still Sovereign even though my circumstances haven’t changed? I am here, Chandler isn’t. He is gone. Are you still Sovereign when you take a child from his Mother? A Mother who begged and pleaded for a miracle. A Mother who has spent 17 ½ years nurturing, loving this child. A mother who has lain awake at night and prayed protection over him. Prayed that he would be safe. Prayed for his future wife. Prayed for his future children. Are You still Sovereign when not only is my son gone but all my dreams for the future are gone as well? Why am I looking at a picture of him instead of holding his face in my hands? I have asked God if he realized that my need to love and nurture him, be his mother hasn’t eased one little bit. It is as strong as it was the day he died. I long to mother him.
Today, I am asking God… Are You still Sovereign when I feel like everything around me is turmoil? Mass confusion? Are You still Sovereign when it’s always something? When everything is wrong? Are You still Sovereign when I don’t understand which way You are leading me? When I don’t hear from You? When I am begging for instruction, and nothing? Are You Sovereign when I feel like darkness surrounds my life, when confusion is all this heart can feel?
This is how I have been feeling for several weeks now. I pray. I tell God that something has to give. I’m not happy. I am miserable. I am grieving. I still, even after a year find myself telling God that I want my son back. So, this evening, the girls are out. Greg is outside mowing. It is me and Abby (the pug). I light a few candles, turn on some music and I am not just crying, it is the UGLY crying…. And, the very song that came on my ITunes Radio was…. You are Still Holy. For real?
This is what I hear as I am crying in my room:
“Holy, You are still Holy, even when the darkness surrounds my life. Sovereign, You are still Sovereign, even when confusion has blinded my eyes.”
Wow….. Now, I am on my knees. And, then as the song says:
“So, I come into Your chambers and I dance at Your feet Lord. You are my Savior and I am at Your mercy. And, all that has been in my life until now, it belongs to You. You are still holy.”
Now, I am crying, on my knees, and my hands begin to raise to the heavens. And, I hear:
“Holy, You are still Holy, even when I don’t understand Your ways. Sovereign, You are still Sovereign, even when my circumstances don’t change. And, Lord, I don’t deserve Your tender patience when my unbelief has kept me from Your Truth. I want my life to be a pure devotion to You… So, I come into Your Chambers and I dance at Your feet Lord. You are my Savior and I am at Your mercy. And, all that has been in my life until now, it belongs to You. You are still Holy.”
So, at that point, my cries began shifting to cries of praise. Of Worship. I want to stay in His Chambers, dance at His feet. My cries of pain, of grief, of unbelief became cries of total praise. I will keep His name on my lips. He is still Holy. He is still Sovereign. How fitting that I turned on ITunes and God chose this song for me today.
I don’t know what is going to happen in my life from one minute to the next. I don’t know where I will be tomorrow. Or, 6 months from now. But, I want to be in my Father’s Tent. At the foot of the Cross. Where grace and suffering meet.
This is what happens when we can do nothing else but get on our knees and let out the gut wrenching pain of our suffering. God comes. Then, shouts of praise come forth. We praise Him. No matter the circumstances. We praise Him. Why? Because He is Sovereign.
God Bless….

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.