Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.

Peace

I know it has been a long time. I haven’t been in the best of places. But, this morning, I feel God has asked me to be transparent. He has asked me to come back to what He has asked me to do. And, for whatever reason, it is to blog. To be transparent and share my heart with the whole world. It overwhelms me. I am in no way a role model. I cannot advise anyone on anything at this time in my life. However, He isn’t asking me to. He is asking me to be transparent to those who may see this blog.

In my quiet time this morning, I felt His prompting as I poured my heart out to Him in my prayer journal. My struggles. Honest, raw, full of emotions struggles. I felt Him lay on my heart to share this on my blog. I will be honest here. I had to ask, why in the world would You want me to do something so vulnerable and weak? His response….. Do it. So, I will. My prayer this morning, word for word:

Father, I do not have peace. I thought I did but I don’t think I do. I want to have peace but how do I get there? I do know that it starts with You. It is You in the middle. It is You in the end. How do I have peace in the midst of this gut wrenching grief? Peace in the death of my son.

What does that look like? What is Your will? How can I glorify You? I feel like I am under huge weights of crushing pain. Father, I feel my grief is getting worse. But, I also know that I’ve taken my eyes off of You. Father, I just feel like people do not want to hear about my grief and my struggles anymore. I feel like I should be moving on. So, I keep my grief to myself. I only share with Greg. He understands my crushing pain.

Father, I want to begin my journey of finding peace. With you. God, I know that You have my boy. I know that You are taking care of him. However, I still have seeds of doubt whirling around in my mind from time to time.

Father, I must confess, I feel like I am irritated, almost angry at Chandler. How could I possibly be mad at him? This brings a sense of guilt and shame that I could ever harbor such feelings. How could I, his mother, be irritated/angry with him?

Father, I feel immense guilt if I even sense a twinge of my former self returning. How could I ever do anything the same before June 22, 2013?

Father, I need You to guide my heart. To heal these broken places, to make beauty out of these dreadful ashes. Father, I need Your peace. Your peace that surpasses all understanding.

Father, I can’t even seem to even come close to learning how to live without Chandler. I put on a good show…. And, that is exactly what it is, a show. But, Father, I know if my closest friends can see through my “show” that You most certainly can.

Reality hits. I have not had Chandler in almost two years. TWO YEARS. I haven’t heard his voice, his laughter. Father, I miss our talks. The early Saturday morning calls or visits to my room to talk for hours. I haven’t heard what was going on in his life. His joys, his good, his hard. I haven’t heard the burdens that he was carrying for various others and situations. I know that he doesn’t have all this now. It’s perfection. Eternal perfection. But, Father, this earthly Mom misses our talks. Two years.

Father, Your Word says that time is but a vapor. Just a blink of an eye. A split second. But, for me, two years…. Feels like an eternity plus for this earthly Mom. Father, help me to see time as You do. I know that one day I will completely understand how short this life truly is compared to eternity.

Father, I pray that You will embed my focus on eternity. Down in the very marrow of my bones. Father, help me to focus on the fact that this isn’t my home. Help me to understand and accept that this wasn’t Chandler’s home. That it’s not Alyssa’s home. Sara’s home. Greg’s home. My home. Or, anyone else’s home that knows You and has salvation through your Son, Jesus.

Peace, Father. Please help me find it.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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Finding Joy Through My Tears

This blog is to share my journey with God through the heartache and pain of losing my son, Chandler. An outlet for me of sorts. Follow me on my road of grief to healing through the Lord.