Oh my goodness…. It has been so long! I haven’t been writing like I should. I have simply had some things that I have needed to work on in my life and I have realized how much bondage I have been carrying around. So, I have been a busy girl working with the Lord on breaking the chains. And, with Him, I have broken chains. Praise the Lord!
I realized it in a situation that I absolutely lost control of. Anger, bitterness, rage absolutely came pouring out. I could not even hold it in. It just kept coming. No filter. I was absolutely stunned. I had no idea I felt the way I felt. I know that sounds like an excuse. Believe me. I told myself over and over that very thing. However, once I really realized, I saw that I had pushed these feelings so far down that I didn’t even know they were there. So, in essence…. I blew it! Big time.
I was so ashamed and I had so many different feelings about the entire situation. I, so want to do what the Lord wants me to do. But, I have learned that my feelings are human. They come from intense, exhausting grief. They come from the human way of thinking. They come from not understanding. They come from the humanness in me that needs an answer to why my son is not here with me today. I need an answer and I don’t have one nor will I ever this side of heaven. This has brought anger, bitterness, and pain. I am so thankful that I have never pointed this anger toward God. To be angry at Him has not been an option for me. He is ALL I have. He is it. However, this explosion has really caused a huge setback in my journey through my grief of losing Chandler.
One evening a few weeks ago, I headed out to the back porch with my Bible, journal, pen, and my music. And, I must not leave out the box of tissues that were depleted by the end of my time with God. I needed to hear from God. I was so embarrassed by my actions. I needed to hear from Him. While I sat there, I listened to a song that just happened to be on my IPod. I have never listened to it before. The words of the song said:
“O the Blood, Crimson love… Shameful sin, Placed on Him. The hope of every man. O, the Blood of Jesus washes me. O, the Blood of Jesus shed for me. What a sacrifice that saved my life. Yes, the Blood, it is my victory. O, what love, no greater love, grace, how can it be that in my sin, yes even then, He shed His blood for me.”
Hallelujah. The Lord took that moment to show me that the Blood is my Victory! I could not help but think of my journey through Lent this year. It has been such an intimate time with the Lord for me. This year I started a new Lent devotional by Ann Voskamp. I focused on the following: Listening to His Word, Lingering over His Word, and Lifting up my voice in prayer, and Living His Word. I came into Lent this year with absolutely nothing to give. I know that sounds absolutely absurd in the world we live in today. I have just been so empty that it wouldn’t matter if I gave up anything or not. So, this setback was fresh and one night I just prayed and I told God all that I knew to say. I said Father, I know this may be so out of line, but I gave up my son this year. That’s what I feel like I’ve given up. It’s the greatest loss I have ever known. God whispered over my soul, “So did I child, so did I.” I prayed over the next few days about the day that Chandler went home to be with Him. I prayed about sitting by Chandler as his blood pressure was dropping and I knew it wouldn’t be long until he left us. It was just me and him. I talked to God about how I could barely choke the words out to him of how proud I was of him. I choked out what a wonderful son he had been to me and how he and his sisters were the lights of my life. And then, I did the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done. I told my child, my Chandler, that it was ok for him to go. That I knew he was ready. I assured him in the best way I knew how that we would be ok. I told him that we would meet him just as soon as our race was over here. I told him no one could love him more than we did except God Himself. And, I told him that God would be there waiting on him and He would take wonderful care of him. Moments later, He left us. In talking with the Lord and praying about this, He reminded me that He had walked the walk I had with His own Son.
I found myself this past Friday reminding myself that this was the day that Christ was crucified for all our sins so that we may live eternally. I also reflected upon the fact that because of Christ’s death on the cross I have hope that I will see Chandler again. I will meet him there just like I told him I would there in the hospital.
I woke up this morning to a beautiful sunrise. I went out on my front porch and looked up to the sky and said, He is risen! Quietly, I sang the words to the song by Casting Crowns:
“Living, He loved me. Dying, He saved me. Buried, He carried my sins far away. Rising, He justified, freely forever, one day He is coming, O Glorious Day. One day the grave could conceal Him no longer. One day the stone rolled away from the door. Then, He arose, over death He had conquered. Now, He has ascended, my Lord evermore. Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him from rising again.
Praise God! I woke up with fresh hope this morning. He is coming friends and it will be a glorious day…. I will see that precious boy of mine and I will never let go! Praise God that I have hope to see him again.
Hope. That’s what we have today. Happy Easter to all!
Finding Joy Through My Tears 